Change

So I've moved. . . again.
Joe an i, and i haven't had much to contribute
for far too long now. . . it hurts. it's hurts bad
to see him breakdown. I truly care for him
more then he knows, and i wish i had more to offer.

It kills me daily. feeling so worthless.
and i know it's a big strain on our relationship as well.
that kills me more. I've never had to be the problem before.

Love . . . what is love? love is the forever unexplained; emotion triggered
by a person. . . an unpredictable story; with a curious and intriguing introduction.
it is a sad, happy; sometimes cruel, beautiful; scary place..
a place you dread, yet long to reach; once it's there, in grasp, so hard to hold on to.

I guess I've started to take his love for granted . . . and I regret ever doing so; no longer allowing that to happen.

Basement

so i've moved out of my grandmothers basement.
it's strange.. cause i was there for about three years.
my first room. that sounds weird.. but it really was.
i mean i've had a room when i was younger.. but
i went six years of my life without a room/space of my own.
i know most people don't understand.. but i mostly felt
unwanted and forced to not be a part of my family as a teen.
taking up space on couches.. and borrowed areas.
and even though i had no choice but to move down there..
to me that space was ridiculously important.
it was torn, and haggard.. but it was mine.
.. it's only been about a month now.
.. and i'm really beginning to miss it.

"In too deep" extended

I wrote this early to mid 2007.
found this extended version of my old writing "In too deep" in my mess of papers
late last night with my friend jess. figured i should post it up.
.. here goes.

In too deep
Call it what you will;
this emotion growing
in the empty core of my existence.
My serenity, my escape from the
tethered reality i live.

Try to pass the time alone;
only to find myself back where i started.
waiting for lucidity, some for of clarity;
to find me here; with these visions of you.
drowning.. i'm in too deep.

(extended)
I run,
and i found myself here;
where i believe to be away;
free from the bitter grip on me.
gazing at the moon and stars,
cold concrete bench; chills my back.
the stench of wet bark mulch; and sounds
of wind dancing with the trees.

Yet you still haunt;
my every thought.
you are the trees; that dance.
the cold concrete at my back;
the wind through my hair.
the feeling of ice on my fingertips.
the stinging taste of salt on my lips..
the heat of tears down my cheeks..

You are; the cold, dark waters
that drown me.

You are untouchable.
unattainable.

Welcome Friend!

This is my first post, also the first time i've ever seen or been on a blogging site. o.O but i've recently been trying to resurrect the creativity to write, since i have had this gaping hole of time where i simply could not; "writers block" if you will. it has been been years, might as well start again somewhere! blog spot you're my new victim! hah.

so i will be writing in here! venting/ranting,
muttering uninteresting life experiences..
i doubt i'll find any "followers" here.

but i'm fine with that, i care not for the attention.
i do however like hearing feedback time to time,
usually from strangers.

i'm not entirely sure how these things work,
and i'd rather not share the link with people i know.. heh!
i have my flaws.